secrets

How can you be honest when you're asked to keep a secret? It's awkward and challenging, guarding someone else's privacy. Especially when it's from other family members. I value being upfront and direct. It doesn't mean that I can always adhere to that, or that it's always a straightforward thing to do. When I was younger, it was complicated... I felt like I needed to lie to my mom to be able to grow up and branch out. But I desperately wanted to take my own risks that I didn't have to pass by her first. Those little white lies would just roll off my tongue. Once I hit adulthood, I had to work hard to break that bad habit. But,  now it feels like "here I go again"... when asked to keep a secret, you end up lying by omission... and it's not very comfortable.

This flies in the face of trying to be scrupulously honest in one's life. Personally, I've found this life principle can have huge advantages. I don't feel like as much of an impostor as I did when I was younger... you know, that "impostor syndrome" when you worry all the time that one false move, and EVERYONE will see you for who you truly are, and it ain't pretty? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to brag about this or anything. It didn't come easily... it was hard work. But when I don't hide much from anyone, there are no secrets, no need to remember to whom I told what... it's strangely relaxing. Maybe some people find it(me) overwhelming... "TMI" and all that. But it quickly weeds out who in my life can handle that much info about me and who I am... and who can't. Like this blog, I guess. People who like what I have to say and want to hear more about me and my ramblings/opinions/musings read it, and those who think it's WAY too much information, just don't.

Secrets can do so much harm when in the wrong hands. Political secrets, secrets about abuse, incest, family secrets, government secrets... you name a group, they'll have a secret. And silencing someone has long been a tool in hands of those who have any kind power. The lack of transparency in governments, work places, and just about any locus of power drives me crazy! But I digress... back to secrets in families and being a part of that. I am really struggling with the usefulness or advisability of this. Everyone hits a time in their life where facing the music isn't pretty, but it's necessary. Secrets keep them from being fully known, warts and all... from knowing themselves better through their relationships with others through all this. I'm all for ripping the bandaid off and seeing how ugly it is underneath. As much as it hurts. Hair and all. Tug. Rip.Youch!